By Katie VandenBerg, CDC Certified Divorce Coach® | Focused Forward
Quick Answer: How to Navigate Thanksgiving After Divorce. Navigating Thanksgiving after divorce requires a shift from passive endurance to active strategy. To reclaim the holiday, start by replacing painful old traditions with new “anti-traditions” (like ordering takeout or volunteering). Protect your mental health with a strict social media detox, prepare “pocket scripts” for awkward family questions, and focus on connection over perfection if you are solo parenting. The goal is not just to survive the day, but to design it on your terms.
The Empty Chair at the Table
You know what no one tells you about Thanksgiving after divorce? It’s not the big moments that break you—it’s the small ones.
It’s seeing his car still parked in the driveway when you drop the kids off. It’s scrolling through Instagram and seeing your college roommate’s perfectly styled table with her “grateful for this crew” caption while you’re staring at a half-empty box of stuffing mix, wondering if cooking for one even counts as a holiday.
The first Thanksgiving after my own divorce, I sat in my kitchen at 9 a.m., already crying, already defeated—and the day hadn’t even started yet. I had let the holiday happen to me instead of deciding how I was going to make the day.
Here’s the truth: You have two choices this year. You can white-knuckle your way through the day, pretending everything is fine while you’re drowning inside. Or you can reclaim this holiday, design it on your terms, and start planning for life after divorce right now.
Let me show you how.
Strategy 1: Rewrite the Script (The “Anti-Tradition”)
Quick Answer: If old traditions hurt, replace them with radically different ones—order takeout, see a movie, or volunteer instead of forcing a painful replay of the past.
Let’s start with permission: You do not have to recreate the Norman Rockwell painting. If the thought of roasting a turkey in the same roasting pan you used for fifteen years makes you want to crawl into bed, then don’t do it.
This is your first Thanksgiving alone, and that means you get to write entirely new rules. Want to order Chinese food and binge-watch a series you’ve been saving? Do it. Feel like going to see a movie in an empty theater at 2 p.m.? Brilliant. Want to volunteer at a soup kitchen and pour your energy into helping others? Even better.
The “anti-tradition” isn’t about running from your feelings—it’s about refusing to torture yourself by forcing a performance of a life that no longer exists. When something is broken, we don’t keep using it and hoping it works. We replace it with something that actually serves us.
I once had a client who spent Thanksgiving at a paint-and-sip class. Another went hiking with her dog and had a picnic at the summit. One dad took his kids to an arcade, and they ate hot dogs for dinner. None of these looked like a “traditional” Thanksgiving. All of them were exactly what those people needed.
The script you’ve been following? It was written for a different version of your life. This year, you’re the author.
Strategy 2: Managing the “Happy Family” Triggers
Quick Answer: Social media is a curated highlight reel—protect your mental health with a strict digital detox on Thanksgiving Day.
Let me be blunt: Social media on Thanksgiving is emotional self-harm when you’re coping with loneliness. Every smiling family photo, every “blessed beyond measure” post, every perfectly plated dinner is designed to trigger you.
And here’s what makes it worse—you know it’s not real. You know that perfect family probably had a screaming match in the kitchen thirty minutes before that photo. You know that “blessed” caption doesn’t mention that they’re drowning in debt or that an affair affected their divorce. But your brain doesn’t care about logic when you’re already vulnerable.
So here’s your strategy: Digital detox for the day. Delete the apps from your phone the night before. Seriously. If that feels too extreme, have a trusted friend change your passwords for 24 hours. Turn off notifications. Make it physically difficult to spiral.
Replace the scrolling habit with something tangible. Text three people you’re genuinely grateful for. Write in a journal. Go for a walk and actually look at the trees instead of your screen. Call your mom, your sister, your best friend from college.
The “happy family” you’re comparing yourself to doesn’t exist. It’s a marketing campaign. You’re comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel, and that’s a game you will never win. Protect your peace. Unplug.
Strategy 3: What to Say When People Ask “Where is He?” (The Scripts)
Quick Answer: Don’t let awkward questions catch you off guard. Prepare 2-3 short, firm scripts to handle prying relatives so you can set boundaries without making a scene.
If you are attending a family gathering, there is always that one relative. The one who asks, “So, where is [Ex’s Name] this year?” or “Are you guys really going through with it?” while passing the cranberry sauce.
The anxiety of these questions can be worse than the loneliness. You feel the need to explain, to defend, or to overshare just to fill the awkward silence.
Here is the strategy: You do not owe anyone a court testimony at the dinner table. You need a “Pocket Script”—a pre-planned response that is Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm (BIFF)—similar to the scripts we use when asking for a divorce.
Memorize these scripts:
- The Casual Deflection: “He isn’t joining us this year. But these mashed potatoes look amazing, could you pass them?”
- The Boundary Setter: “We are navigating some changes right now, but today I just want to focus on being with family. Thanks for understanding.”
- The Shutdown: “That’s a longer conversation for another time. Today is just about gratitude.”
When you have a script ready, you stop fearing the question. You take the power back from the prying relative and keep the focus where it belongs: on your peace.
Strategy 4: The Solo Parenting Shift (If You Have the Kids)
Quick Answer: Focus on connection over perfection—burned turkey becomes a funny memory, not a parenting failure.
If you have the kids for Thanksgiving this year, I need you to hear this: You do not have to be Super Mom to compensate for the divorce.
The instinct is real—I’ve seen it a thousand times. You think if you can just make this day magical enough, special enough, perfect enough, then somehow the kids won’t notice that Dad isn’t there. So you overextend yourself. You cook too much, spend too much, plan too much, and then you’re exhausted, resentful, and snapping at them by 3 p.m.
Stop.
Your kids don’t need a Pinterest-perfect Thanksgiving. They need you present, not performing. They need you calm, not crumbling under the pressure of an impossible standard you set for yourself. (If coordinating the holiday schedule with your ex is causing this stress, consider using one of these top co-parenting apps to manage the calendar without conflict.
Here’s the shift: Focus on one meaningful connection point. Maybe it’s making dessert together and getting flour everywhere. Maybe it’s going around the table and sharing one good thing from the week. Maybe it’s a post-dinner game night in your pajamas.
And if the turkey burns? Make it a story. “Remember that Thanksgiving when Mom totally incinerated the turkey, and we ordered pizza instead? That was hilarious.” Years from now, that’s what they’ll remember—not whether the table looked like it belonged in a magazine.
Permit yourself to be human. Your kids are watching how you handle adversity. Show them that imperfection isn’t failure—it’s just life.
As a divorce coach,
 | I’m here to remind you that you’re not alone in this. Whether you’re grappling with a high-conflict divorce or simply trying to navigate the emotions of your first holiday post-divorce, I’m here to guide you. You are stronger than you realize, and brighter days are ahead. If you’re in Central Illinois and looking for a divorce coach near you, I’d be honored to walk this path with you. If you live somewhere else, we can work remotely as though I’m right beside you. I have clients from California to New York, from North Dakota to Texas. Together, we’ll find ways to navigate the pain, rebuild your confidence, and embrace the possibilities of your future. |
Strategy 5: The “Grief & Gratitude” Balance
Quick Answer: You can simultaneously grieve your lost family structure and feel grateful for your new freedom—both emotions are valid and can coexist.
This is where most advice on surviving holidays after divorce falls apart. Everyone wants to rush you to gratitude, to silver linings, to “everything happens for a reason.” But that completely ignores the nuance of where you actually are.
You can be grateful that you’re out of a toxic marriage and heartbroken that your kids are growing up in two houses. You can feel relief that you don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore and grieve the future you thought you were building. You can be excited about your newfound freedom and terrified about being alone.
Both things are true at the same time. Grief and gratitude aren’t opposites—they’re dance partners.
The key is not letting one completely dominate the other. If you spend all day in grief, you’re stuck. If you force yourself into toxic positivity, you’re denying reality. The balance is acknowledging both.
Try this: Set a timer for 15 minutes. Journal about everything you’ve lost—the dreams, the partnership, the version of Thanksgiving that’s gone forever. Let yourself feel it fully. Then set another timer for 15 minutes and write about what you’ve gained—the peace, the autonomy, the opportunity to rebuild.
You don’t have to choose one narrative. You’re complex enough to hold both.
Your New Normal Starts Now
Here’s what I need you to remember as you head into this Thanksgiving after divorce: This is just one day. One day out of the hundreds you’ll live this year. It does not define your healing. It does not predict your future. It’s simply a marker on the journey.
You will get through it. And next year? It will be easier. Not because the loss hurts less, but because you’ll have proof that you survived this one.
The holidays are a marathon, not a sprint. If you’re dreading not just Thanksgiving but the entire gauntlet from now through New Year’s, you don’t have to do it alone. My Smart Start 90-Day Program (part of my Divorce Trail Guide) gives you the strategy, support, and accountability to navigate this season without burning out or breaking down.
You’ve already survived the hardest part—the decision to leave. Everything else? That’s just strategy.
And strategy is what I do.
Katie VandenBerg, CDC®, is a Certified Divorce Coach and founder of Focused Forward, helping women in Central Illinois navigate divorce with clarity, confidence, and zero BS. Learn more about what a divorce coach does to see if you’re ready for a strategic partner, or contact Katie today to schedule your free consultation.
