Originally Published August, 2021. Updated March 2025.
Quick Answer: Is Divorce Better for the Kids? While divorce is a challenging transition, research and coaching experience confirm that children thrive in peaceful environments, regardless of family structure. Staying in a high-conflict, tense, or emotionally cold marriage often causes more long-term damage—such as anxiety and poor relationship modeling—than the temporary adjustment of a peaceful divorce. A happy home in two houses is always better than a miserable home in one.
We’ve all heard it countless times: “Divorce is so hard on children; parents should stick it out for the kids!” This well-intentioned advice gets passed around like an unquestionable truth, placing enormous guilt on parents contemplating separation.
Yes, divorce is challenging for children.
But what’s often overlooked in these conversations is how much more damaging it can be for children to live in a home filled with tension, conflict, resentment, and emotional neglect. A home where children walk on eggshells around their parents. A home where they learn to manipulate warring adults to get their needs met. A home where healthy relationships remain an abstract concept rather than a lived reality.
As a divorce coach who has worked with hundreds of families, I’ve witnessed firsthand how divorce—when handled with intention and care—can create a path toward healing and growth for the entire family. Let me share why separating might actually be the healthier choice for your children, even though the journey isn’t easy.
The Hidden Damage of “Staying Together for the Kids”
When parents remain in a deeply unhappy or dysfunctional marriage solely for their children’s sake, they often don’t realize the subtle yet profound messages they’re sending. Children are incredibly perceptive; they absorb the unspoken dynamics of a household like sponges.
In homes affected by roommate syndrome—where parents have emotionally disconnected but continue living under the same roof—children observe a relationship devoid of affection, respect, or genuine partnership. This creates a distorted template for what relationships should look like.
What Children Learn in an Unhappy Home:
- Love means sacrificing your happiness and well-being
- Conflict avoidance is more important than authentic communication
- Emotional disconnection is normal in intimate relationships
- Tension and resentment are inevitable parts of family life
- Their needs and feelings come second to maintaining appearances
One client’s story illustrates this perfectly. Maria’s (name changed) middle school children were living in a household where their father struggled with alcoholism and bipolar disorder. Their home life was unpredictable and often frightening, with the children never knowing which version of their father they would encounter each day.
The constant stress manifested in declining grades, social withdrawal, and anxiety symptoms. Though Maria worried about how divorce would affect her children, the reality of their current situation was already causing significant harm. The children weren’t thriving—they were surviving.
How Divorce Can Create Positive Change for Children
After careful consideration and preparation, Maria made the difficult decision to divorce. What happened next surprised her: rather than creating additional trauma, the separation became a catalyst for healing.
With the marriage ended, her ex-husband finally acknowledged the severity of his conditions and sought professional help. With my help, Maria established clear boundaries and structured visitation that prioritized the children’s emotional safety. Within months, her children’s academic performance improved, they reconnected with friends, and the constant anxiety they’d lived with began to dissipate.
This story isn’t uncommon among families I’ve worked with. When parents separate thoughtfully, with proper support systems in place, children often experience:
- Reduced exposure to conflict and tension
- Clearer boundaries and more consistent expectations
- Improved relationships with both parents individually
- The opportunity to see parents modeling self-respect and healthy choices
- A more peaceful home environment where they can focus on being children
Age-Specific Considerations When Divorcing with Children
Birth to Age 10: The Adaptability Advantage
Younger children often demonstrate remarkable resilience during family transitions like divorce. While they certainly need support and reassurance, they typically haven’t yet internalized rigid ideas about what families “should” look like.
For children under 10, the consistency of routines and the emotional availability of their parents matter far more than whether those parents live under the same roof. These children tend to adapt more readily to new living arrangements, particularly when both parents:
- Maintain predictable schedules and transitions
- Speak respectfully about each other
- Reassure children that both parents still love them
- Avoid using children as messengers or confidants
- Create comfortable spaces in both homes
One father I worked with was amazed at how quickly his 6-year-old and 8-year-old adjusted to their new family structure. “They were sad at first,” he shared, “but once they understood the schedule and saw that Mom and I could talk without fighting, they seemed relieved. It was like a weight had been lifted off their small shoulders.”
Ages 10-18: Navigating the Teen Terrain
The teenage years bring additional complexity to family transitions. Adolescents are developing their identities while also managing intense hormonal and social changes. When divorce enters this already tumultuous period, reactions can vary dramatically.
Some teens make their parents’ divorce “about them,” creating additional drama or using the situation to manipulate both households. Others, particularly those who’ve witnessed years of parental conflict or lived through toxic family dynamics, may actually feel relieved when their parents separate.
I remember working with mom who said her 16-year-old confided, “I’ve been wishing you would divorce since I was twelve. Living with you fighting or ignoring each other was worse than anything. At least now everyone can stop pretending.”
For teenagers experiencing divorce, what helps most is:
- Honest, age-appropriate communication without burdening them with adult details
- Maintaining expectations, boundaries, and consequences across both households
- Respecting their need for stability in their social lives and extracurricular activities
- Giving them appropriate ways to express their feelings about the changes
- Never putting them in the middle of co-parenting conflicts
Breaking Free from Roommate Syndrome
Signs your marriage may have devolved into roommate syndrome include:
- Separate bedrooms or minimal physical affection
- Parallel lives with little meaningful interaction
- Communication limited to logistics and children’s needs
- Absence of conflict but also absence of connection
- Feeling like you’re operating a household rather than building a life together
You can also read more about Roommate Syndrome in a marriage HERE and HERE.
When parents in this situation divorce mindfully, children gain the opportunity to see their parents potentially find happiness—either in healthier relationships or in the authenticity of contentedly single life. This gives children permission to prioritize their own emotional well-being in future relationships.
 | Perhaps one of the most insidious situations for children is when parents remain technically married but have essentially become roommates who occasionally parent together. This roommate syndrome creates a home environment devoid of warmth, intimacy, and genuine connection. Children raised in households affected by roommate syndrome often struggle to form healthy romantic relationships as adults. They’ve never witnessed the essential components of loving partnerships: mutual respect, affection, compromise, and joy in each other’s company. |
Recommended Resources for Parents
If you or someone you know is going through a divorce with children, read this post of books I highly recommend. I often suggest these to my clients, and they’re available at most local libraries or online.
Moving Forward: Creating a Positive Post-Divorce Family
Divorce doesn’t end your family; it reorganizes it. The most important factor in children’s adjustment isn’t whether their parents stayed married, but how their parents manage the separation process and co-parenting relationship.
Research consistently shows that the level of conflict between parents is the strongest predictor of children’s adjustment problems—not the divorce itself. When parents can maintain a cooperative co-parenting relationship with low conflict, children typically adjust well over time.
Steps for creating a positive transition include:
- Working with professionals (therapists, divorce coaches, mediators) to manage the separation process
- Creating a detailed parenting plan that centers children’s needs
- Establishing clear communication protocols between co-parents
- Helping children maintain relationships with extended family
- Being patient with children’s emotional process, which often isn’t linear
Does divorce ruin children’s lives?
No. Research consistently shows that divorce itself does not ruin children; high conflict does. Children who grow up in high-conflict homes or homes with “Roommate Syndrome” (emotional coldness) often suffer more anxiety and relationship issues than children from divorced homes who have peaceful, happy parents.
Is it better to wait until the kids are 18 to divorce?
Not necessarily. Waiting often exposes children to years of tension, modeling unhealthy relationship dynamics that they may repeat in their own adult lives. Teens (ages 10-18) are highly perceptive and often feel relieved when parents finally separate, as it ends the “pretending” and tension in the home.
What is “Roommate Syndrome” and how does it affect kids?
“Roommate Syndrome” occurs when parents stay married but live parallel, emotionally disconnected lives without intimacy or affection. While there may be no yelling, children in these homes learn that love is transactional or cold. They often struggle to form deep connections later in life because they have never witnessed a healthy romantic partnership.
How do I tell my kids we are getting divorced without traumatizing them?
The key is to present a “United Front.” Regardless of the reasons for the split, tell them together (if safe) and keep the explanation age-appropriate. Reassure them that the divorce is an adult problem, not their fault, and that both parents love them. Avoid blaming the other parent, as this forces children to choose sides.
What is the most important factor for kids adjusting to divorce?
The #1 predictor of a child’s well-being is the level of conflict between the parents post-divorce. If you can establish a low-conflict co-parenting relationship, maintain clear boundaries, and keep consistent routines, your children can and will thrive.
Final Thoughts: Choosing Courage Over Comfort
Staying in an unhappy marriage isn’t noble sacrifice—it’s modeling settling for less than you deserve. Divorce with children requires tremendous courage, but sometimes it’s exactly what everyone needs to thrive.
I won’t sugar-coat this: navigating divorce with children is challenging. This is precisely why I do what I do: helping my clients become the best versions of themselves throughout the divorce process so they can be the best possible parents for their children.
If you’re contemplating divorce and worried about your children, remember that they deserve parents who are thriving, not just surviving. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do for your family is to choose a new path forward.
Are you struggling with making this difficult decision? As a Certified Divorce Coach, I help parents navigate these complex choices with their children’s best interests at heart. Contact me for a consultation to discuss your specific situation.
About the Author Katie VandenBerg is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® specializing in strategic divorce planning in Central Illinois. She helps women build efficient, effective divorce teams that protect their finances and their peace, as seen in her client success stories.
