“I notice we are envious of people who are already doing what we are made to do. If we use our envy as a sort of arrow pointing us toward our destiny, that is a beautiful thing.” ~Glennon Doyle
I remember the profound envy I felt during my first marriage. I found myself constantly wondering, is it time for divorce? We were the first of our friend group to get married We were the first of our friend group to get married, but many of them were in long-term relationships. There was just something different about them in the way they spoke to each other. Something different in the admiration they seemed to have for each other. There was a sense of awe for the other person, it seemed. I remember feeling so much envy for other couples who looked natural, comfortable, and confident. In love, for real. I always just felt like I was a disappointment or embarrassment to my ex-husband — like I was in the way of his success.
At first I didn’t really understand the feeling and what it was telling me. It was confusing, as I was young and my husband at the time was smart, hard-working, came from a good family, and was a decent person in the eyes of society. So what was wrong with ME, I wondered, that I felt this? But as the failure of my marriage progressed, I realized this envy was a classic sign of an unhappy marriage. It was leading me to see that what my marriage was, was not what was best for me or for him. The envy was like a guiding light, a beacon of inspiration. I knew that if I couldn’t have that kind of marriage that I saw with our friends, then I didn’t want to be married.
Understanding Envy vs. Jealousy in Relationships
There’s a difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is the feeling of desiring something that someone else has or is. Jealousy is a protective feeling. If I were a jealous wife, I’d be worried someone else was interested in my husband, or that he was interested in another woman. If I were a jealous friend, I’d be nervous my best friend would betray me and not invite me on an outing with other friends.
Can envy be bad? Of course. If I was envious of every new car on the market and it pushed me into debt to always have the latest model, that’s toxic envy. If I was envious of my daughter’s classmates for being good at soccer, so I pushed her hard into it despite her hating the sport, that would also be toxic envy.
A good, motivating envy pushes us to improve ourselves or our lifestyles. I’m currently envious of my husband, who has somehow avoided sugar since the new year. Me? Not so much. He told me the other day he’s lost 10 pounds just from that. Meanwhile, I enjoyed a few scoops of cookie dough today while hiding from my kids, and now I’m feeling chubby. I’m envious of my friend Francie, who has worked so hard to understand SEO and website design and is just so darn good at it. I’m trying, but it’s hard.
Motivating envy improves us and helps us rise to the best version of ourselves — for us and for others. Another example is my friend Leanne. She’s an amazing Curriculum Director at a large public school district in our area. She works so hard for her schools and the teachers she helps. But when she gets home, she shuts it all off and is 100% Mom to her three energetic, busy boys. I am motivated by that. I’m not good at shutting everything off at home and being fully focused on my kids, but I use her example — and my envy of her ability — to motivate me.
When Does Marital Envy Become Toxic?
In relationships, we can easily toe the line into dangerous envy. When our motivations become delusional, or we hold expectations of perfection over others, it becomes dangerous. An example of this is the idea of Prince Charming. Modern society has built a story that young women will meet their Prince Charming — and maybe they do, when he’s 25. But what happens when Prince Charming starts balding prematurely, or puts on 20 pounds because he’s working so hard to support his family he has no time to exercise anymore? Suddenly he’s not so much Prince Charming as the frog begging for a kiss. When we edge into this territory, we need to ask ourselves some serious questions about our priorities and values — this is the perfect time to seek out a good therapist to work through these feelings. That said, if Prince Charming-turned-frog has also become angry, narcissistic, and gaslights you, then the superficial changes are minor details, and you do have a valid case for exploring the motivating envy of a friend whose spouse adores and supports her.
The envy I felt during my first marriage was like a veil being lifted on what a marriage should be — and what it shouldn’t. Going into marriage, all we really have are our parents as examples. My parents never fought, but their marriage was more one of practicality and cohabitating. That’s where I found myself in my own marriage — along with healthy amounts of jealousy, frustration, and ego. This is what I didn’t see in other marriages, and it’s what made me realize I couldn’t let this be the story of my life.
And so the envy pushed me through. I used it as my guide. Interestingly, I haven’t felt that envy once since I met Ben. My viewpoint has changed. If I can’t have this marriage, then I don’t want to be married.
Moving From Indecision to Action With a Certified Divorce Coach
I encourage you not to stifle your envy as something bad. If you’re part of a conservative religious community, you may be told otherwise — that you need to die to your dreams, your desires, your wants, your goals, your plans. I don’t subscribe to that belief structure. You may be told that envy is the work of Satan. In my opinion, that’s akin to religious abuse — in the face of financial, emotional, or physical abuse, it becomes a means of control and gaslighting you into believing your life doesn’t matter.
f you need help finding a good therapist to work through any of these issues, please reach out to me. As a Certified Divorce Coach based in Morton, IL, I maintain a vetted network of trusted mental health professionals throughout Peoria, Tazewell, and McLean counties. If you are local to Central Illinois, I have a virtual rolodex of amazing therapists. If you’re not, we can talk about what it looks like to find one. Or, if you know you’re ready to begin thinking about filing for divorce, let’s schedule a free consultation to build your divorce strategy. ~Katie
