By Katie VandenBerg, CDC Certified Divorce Coach® | Focused Forward
Wintering in divorce is a necessary physiological season of grief, exhaustion, and withdrawal—not a sign of weakness or depression. Rushing this phase leads to burnout and poor legal decisions. Instead, true resilience is built by slowing down: simplifying routines, reducing social obligations, and delaying major choices until the nervous system stabilizes. By allowing yourself to “winter” and conserve energy now, you protect your long-term recovery and prepare for a healthier spring.
The Fog of the Aftermath
The weeks after a marriage ends feel like wading through fog. You’re exhausted in ways sleep doesn’t fix. Social invitations feel impossible. Simple decisions—what to eat, whether to answer a text become paralyzing.
This isn’t a weakness. This is wintering in divorce: a natural emotional season of grief, exhaustion, and withdrawal that follows the collapse of a marriage.
As a CDC Certified Divorce Coach®, I see clients try to rush out of winter—and it costs them. They sign agreements they regret. They collapse from exhaustion months later. Author Katherine May’s concept of “wintering” captures those seasons when we must retreat to survive.
Divorce forces this season whether you choose it or not. The question isn’t whether you’ll winter it’s whether you’ll let yourself do it well.
What Wintering Really Is (and What It Is Not)
Wintering is a temporary phase of emotional conservation. It is not depression, weakness, or failure. It is your body and mind pulling inward to protect and process overwhelming loss.
- It is not being “stuck,” though progress feels invisible.
- It is not giving up, though you may need to stop pushing.
Productivity culture tells us rest equals laziness. But in divorce, wintering is survival. It’s your system saying: slow down, simplify, stop performing. The fog, the fatigue, the cancelled plans—these aren’t signs you’re broken. They’re signs you’re human, processing something that demands more energy than you have to give.
| Note: Understanding the connection between seasonal depression and divorce is critical. Coping strategies must address both the external season (weather) and the internal emotional climate you are navigating. |
Why Divorce Forces a Winter Season
Divorce overwhelms the nervous system, making rest biologically necessary. According to the American Psychological Association, divorce is one of the most stressful life events, placing prolonged strain on emotional regulation and cognitive function.
- Identity Loss: The person you were inside that relationship dissolves. You are rebuilding from scratch.
- Shame-Based Grief: Unlike death, divorce grief is invisible. People expect you to move on quickly, but your body carries attachment loss, financial stress, and the collapse of your imagined future.
- Decision Fatigue: Keep the house? Hire a lawyer? Tell the kids? Every choice feels monumental because your brain is maxed out.
Statistics confirm that winter is often the peak season for divorce filings. This timing compounds the emotional weight. Winter becomes inevitable.
The Risk of Skipping Winter
Trying to bypass wintering leads to burnout, bad legal decisions, and prolonged recovery. I’ve watched clients sign settlement agreements they don’t understand because they were desperate to “just be done.”
They jump into new relationships to avoid grief, only to repeat the same patterns. They say yes to everything, stay busy, and perform productivity—until the body crashes.
These are among the five biggest mistakes you must avoid during divorce:
- Rushing legal decisions
- Suppressing emotions
- Isolating completely
- Over-functioning to avoid pain
- Refusing support
Rushing through winter doesn’t make spring come faster. You cannot rebuild while you’re still bleeding. The decisions you make when your nervous system is overwhelmed are rarely the decisions you’d make with clarity.
| 💡 Pro Tip: If everything feels heavy, it doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means your system is protecting you. |
How to Winter Well During Divorce
Healthy wintering focuses on safety, rest, and containment. Not productivity. Not breakthroughs. Not forcing yourself forward.
1. Simplify Everything. Cancel what you can. Delegate what you must. Stop apologizing for needing less. Your capacity is limited right now—and that is okay.
2. Reduce Social Noise. You don’t owe everyone an explanation. Choose carefully who you winter with. Coping with separation means protecting your energy from people who drain rather than sustain you.
3. Create Small Anchors: A morning walk. The same cup of tea. Ten minutes of stillness. These anchors help regulate a nervous system in chaos.
4. Delay Big Decisions. If you can wait on selling the house or changing jobs—wait. Winter is not the time for strategy. It’s time for stabilization.
Coach’s Note: Managing divorce during the holidays requires lowering expectations. Permit yourself to opt out of traditions that no longer serve you.
Wintering and Resilience: How Strength Is Quietly Built
True resilience during divorce is built in winter, not spring. It happens through rest, regulation, and slow emotional repair.
While you are resting, your nervous system is recalibrating. Fight-or-flight begins to ease. Your body learns safety again.
- Emotional regulation improves. The space between a trigger and your reaction grows wider.
- Internal trust rebuilds. You keep small promises to yourself (getting out of bed, eating breakfast), which becomes evidence that you can rely on yourself again.
For fathers navigating this season, understanding how divorce impacts your role starts with healing yourself first. You cannot co-parent effectively from a depleted state.
This is resilience: not the loud, triumphant kind, but the steady, unglamorous kind that happens in the dark when no one is watching.
When Winter Begins to Shift
Winter ends gradually, not dramatically. You won’t wake up one morning and declare it over.
You might notice curiosity creeping back. A podcast sounds interesting. A friend’s invitation doesn’t feel exhausting.
- Emotional reactivity decreases. Your ex’s name doesn’t send your heart racing.
- A desire to plan emerges. You start thinking about what you want, not just what you’re avoiding.
These shifts are subtle. But weeks later, you’ll realize the fog has thinned. You aren’t just surviving anymore—you’re beginning, gently, to live again. Spring doesn’t announce itself. It just arrives, one warmer day at a time.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does “Wintering in Divorce” mean?
Wintering in divorce is the necessary emotional season of grief, exhaustion, and withdrawal that follows the end of a marriage. It’s a period of conservation and healing, not failure.
Is wintering the same as depression?
No. Wintering is a natural response to loss and overwhelm. While it shares symptoms with depression, it is situational. However, if symptoms persist or worsen, always consult a mental health professional.
How long does the winter phase last?
It varies for everyone, typically lasting several months to a year. Rushing it doesn’t shorten it—allowing yourself to winter well does.
Can I still make decisions while wintering?
Yes, but delay major irreversible decisions when possible. Your judgment improves significantly once your nervous system stabilizes.
Key Takeaways
- Wintering in Divorce is necessary, not something to fix. It is a physiological requirement for processing the trauma of separation, not a symptom of failure. Treating this season as a problem to solve rather than a process to endure delays true recovery.
- Grief after divorce is often silent and shame-based. Unlike mourning a death, divorce grief lacks communal rituals and is frequently compounded by social stigma. This isolation forces the grief inward, making the “wintering” phase essential for private processing.
+1 - Rest and simplification protect future decisions. Cognitive function is severely compromised when the nervous system is overwhelmed by fight-or-flight responses. Prioritizing deep rest ensures that high-stakes legal and financial decisions are made with clarity rather than exhaustion.
- Resilience is built quietly before rebuilding begins. True strength is not forged in the visible moments of “moving on,” but in the quiet moments of nervous system regulation. This foundational stability is what allows for sustainable growth once the winter season passes.
- You do not have to winter alone. While the season requires withdrawal from social noise, it necessitates targeted support from professionals. Certified Divorce Coach Aprovides the necessary containment and strategy to ensure isolation does not turn into despair.
- Managing divorce during winter requires intentional coping strategies. The overlap of seasonal darkness and emotional grief creates a “double winter” that demands specific protocols. Implementing small, sensory anchors and reduced expectations is critical for maintaining mental health during this period.
- Avoiding the five biggest divorce mistakes starts with not rushing. The most expensive errors—both financial and emotional—occur when clients attempt to bypass the discomfort of the winter phase. Slowing down is a strategic maneuver that prevents reactive agreements you will later regret.
- Seasonal depression and divorce grief often overlap and need combined care. Divorce grief can exacerbate underlying Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), creating a compound mental health challenge. Addressing both the environmental and situational factors simultaneously is the only path to effective management.
Conclusion
Winter does not last forever. The fog will lift. The weight will ease. Your energy will return.
But none of that happens by forcing it. It happens by allowing yourself this season—by trusting that rest is not weakness.
You are simply human, moving through something that demands more than our culture wants to admit. This season has purpose. You are building resilience in the quiet, preparing your nervous system for the life waiting on the other side.
You don’t have to winter alone. If you need support navigating this season without losing yourself, my Smart Start 90-Day Program is designed to help you stabilize, breathe, and move Focused Forward—when you’re ready.
About the Author
Katie VandenBerg is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® and founder of Focused Forward, based in Central Illinois. She specializes in helping individuals navigate the emotional and neurological complexity of divorce with strategic clarity.
